Chapter 1

The Story of Mahgo

I was here before.
I am here now.
I will be here in the days to come.
Holding the pain of separation and the grief of lost love in my heart,
I have been living through the wheels of life and death.
Until the last person who left their homeland returns,
Until the day when the last person returns to the lost world of “Shinsun,” (the world of immortals)
To the land where there are no boundaries of countries, no boundaries of you and I,
To the land where there is no greed, where there is no sorrow,
To the land where freedom and peace reign,
To that land I am walking towards, before, now and in the days to come.

I will always be with you

My father’s passing shook my life, and turned it upside down. It was a turning point. My one and only father, who gave me life; he was my teacher, my best friend. I could not accept his passing, even at the last moments of his life. I could not accept his death for God is everlasting, and he was my god. To me, my father was a sun that would never set.

I loved his passion for life, his profound wisdom, his sense of caring, and his thick, warm hands. Until the last moment of his death, he did not let go of the books from his hands. He was well versed in the philosophies of the East and the West, history, politics, economics, and astronomy. He was a great Korean, as a person, as a father, as a husband, as a scholar, and as a businessman. He won the annual gold award for the most exports in Korea. But when his time came, as if going on a walk to a picnic in a sunny afternoon, he departed. He left his body, as if leaving a shell.

“Dear Mahgo, Don’t be sad for me. I am simply leaving to become fertilizer for the apple tree that you love so much. I ask of you to take care of your mother. Even if your mother asks you to do things that do not make sense to you, I ask of you to listen to her and not to make hasty decisions on your own.” These were the last words of a father to a daughter who was not there to watch his last moments of life in this world.

Obedient Mahgo

Growing up, I rarely ever said no to my parents. It might be hard to believe, but it was not because I was particularly obedient or because I did not have my own opinions. Looking back on it today, it was because both of my parents showed me genuine respect. They always called me a “blessed one,” trusting and loving me. I have learned to nurture the habit of thinking carefully, in an effort not to disappoint them. And, because I loved them and did not want to hurt their feelings, I restrained myself from going against their wishes. It helped me to form the habit of thinking before speaking.

They never gave me the chance to say no to their wishes, since I always understood their intention and virtue. They were wise not to ask me anything I could not understand to agree with them. My father knew me. I always understood his intentions and was obedient of his wishes. Yet he asked me on his death-bed to respect and obey my mother’s wishes regardless of whether it made any sense to me.

Ironically, it was very unlike him to ask me simply to follow the wishes of my mother without rationally thinking on my own. It makes me realize how worried my father was for my mother, who would be left alone after his passing. Thinking of this, I am full of regrets toward both of them. To this day, I often think about the way I could have treated them better when they were still alive.

My father always first explained to me his opinions and reasons saying, “I think of them this way, but it is your decision, think about it well and let me know your final decision.” Because of his way of approaching things while I was growing up, I learned to think things over a few times before I made any decisions, and always to be careful in all my affairs. These days I feel blessed from growing up under his love and thoughtfulness. I pray for his bliss.

My father's cancer

After many years of a productive life in the United States, my parents retired to Korea only to find out that my father had stomach cancer. My father read up on many books about cancer and decided not to undergo a cancer operation. In the same way he always came up with the best solutions all his life, he was able to cure himself from cancer by following a proper diet. Mainly he drank juice, ate vegetables, herbs; and eschewed meat and processed foods.

He biked and hiked in the mountains, which made him fit and healthy. The fresh air from the mountains and the spring water from between the rocks in the valleys of the mountains was the best medicine for him. He was quite positive that he would be able to cure the cancer himself without going through an operation. In a year, an x-ray revealed he had become free of cancer. All the cancer cells had disappeared spontaneously. He was finally free of cancer.

However, being confident in his ability to overcome cancer so easily, he returned to his old habits of eating meat and processed, chemically treated foods. His stomach cancer returned with a vengeance. Every day, he was bleeding in the stomach. When I visited him in Korea for the last time, I helplessly had to witness nurses piercing him with thick needles in every part of his tattered blue-and-white arms looking for veins.

Call Mahgo, she can bring me back to life...

Death for my father did not come easily. The hospital was a hell, filled with the moans of pain from the patients. On the plane back to New York, in a deep silence and in the shadow of death and parting, I cried all the way. As soon as I arrived in New York, there was an urgent message for me. “Father is in critical condition and he needs you.” I caught the next plane back to Korea, but when I arrived, he had already passed away. People told me about his last moments in tears. ”Mahgo! Dad belived in you till the last breath and he truly belived that you could bring him back to life.” He kept saying, “Please hurry and bring Mahgo, she is the only one who can bring me back to life.” They told me about his last moments in tears. In reply, I said, “yes, I can bring him back to life; I will definitely bring him back to life.” I did not think anyone understood what I meant. Everyone said he had already passed away, how could he come back to life? His last words were, “Why am I feeling like this?” As if dozing off on a sunny spring day, his head fell to one side. I heard his face was genuinely peaceful at the last moment.

At father's grave

Large white snow flowers covered the ground as if to celebrate his passing. On a cold January day, into the frozen ground his body was buried.

According to his wish of not bothering acquaintances with his burial, thoughtful consideration as usual, only family members and a few close relatives accompanied his coffin. Yet heaven knew of him and spread white snow flowers softly upon his path.

Burying the father I loved so much, I kept laughing. The only sound was from a man sitting off to the side, lifelessly on the cold snowy ground, lamenting. “You do not understand what a great man has passed away.” Rest of the family remained silent, standing astride father’s grave on the cold January day, covered with white flowers on a bed of snow. Tears flowed down from behind their dark sunglasses.

Someone suggested that since the family did not cry out loud, displaying their sadness, it might be necessary to hire someone to cry in our place. I stopped him, saying, “Of course it is deeply sad to lose a father, but please do not hire people to cry for us. This is not an occasion of sorrow, this is an occasion of great blessing to cerebrate the embarkation of a Doin.” To me, it was a great event of cerebration, the hope and possibility of building the world of Shin Suhn, the society of immortals. It was an honorable place for a DOIN, who I had the karma of a daughter in this world. A Doin whom I used to call father, having completed his task on earth of preparing me, and finally returning to his proper place.

At that moment at my father’s grave, as if being struck by the pole or a magnet, my legs were stuck to the ground and my hair stood upright. I experienced becoming one with the universe without any mind of my own. I realized for the first time that there is a place on earth where only happy thoughts are allowed. Suddenly whole world became bright, everything lit up in front of me.

Through this bright light, I saw a clear picture of my father as an ambassador to the universe who had come to the earth to prepare me for my new life that I was about to begin. It was not a fearful, sad moment of death. It was a beautiful and blessed occasion of my father returning to his proper place to another planet, after his mission of preparing me for my journey on this earth had been completed. Yes, it was a moment to celebrate his task being accomplished the way it was meant to be. He was returning to his proper place, the next destination to aid in my mission, the paradise on earth from a far-away star.

It was the last farewell to my father, the person whom I had loved and respected most in this world. At the time, I thought there would be no meaning to my life since he did not exist any more. However, that was my mistake. Soon I came to realize that he had believed in me not only at the last moment of his death, but even after death. Wishing for the world of everlasting life, the world of Shinsun, he was conducting his affairs in the world of the Pleiades.

The world where my father was no more,
The world where my father is no more,
It will not be like before.
After he left my side,
The pain of separation became a river of sorrow
Overflowing,
It flooded my small chest,
Washed away my blinded eyes,
It opened my ears.
It swallowed who I am.
Even my greed,
Shallow knowledge,
and my arrogance.
I no longer existed.
Only an empty shell of this pitiful woman remained,
Sitting, kneeling, empty on the floor,
I removed my shallow layer of knowledge,
position, and arrogance,
I disrobed my layer of false clothing.

 

Five-year memorial

Having returned to New York after burying my father in the cold-January soil in Korea, I had lost the meaning of my life. I do not remember how many days and nights passed. I did not remember when the night came or when the sun rose. Forgetting to eat, I simply lay on the cold wooden floor. What had I lived for? Who am I? What is the meaning of life? Why do we have to be separated from our loved ones? Why do we have to die? What is a meaningful, valuable life?

The sun still came up. I resented the fact that the sun still came up as usual, even though such a great man had passed away. “Sun! How can you still rise, now that my father has passed away! This is not the way to show proper respect for him.” I thought even the sun must pay its respects for his passing. But the merciless days were passing as if nothing had happened.

My meeting with Lady Mahgo

Someone had been flying towards me since my childhood. Wearing the clothes of the Korean goddess, Suhn Nyo, flapping the wing-tips of the long sleeves of an angelic dress. One day, she got very close to me and I was able to see her face finally after all these years.

At that moment, for the first time, she became me, and I became her. Her shinning black hair so long and her angelic robe flapping gracefully as she was flying towards me, I forgot the time and myself and became one with her. Her face serenely beautiful and peaceful, she was grace and beauty in all. Then, I was able to enter her domain, the ocean of silence. And my conversation with the Lady Mahgo begain, using telepathy, communicating without words or language.

Surprisingly enough, she, as a goddess, was telling me it was not easy to fly so far beyond time and space as she folded her two wings. Having flown across the time and space of over ten thousand years, even a goddes was a little tired. This beautiful woman was Lady Mahgo, the mother of the universe, and the mother of the people of Korea.

Lady Mahgo was a woman from a matriarchial society. She told me about the ancient times without opening her mouth, in a silent conversation, their usual way of communicating with each other. She told me “I am from the ancient Shin Suhn civilization of Mahgo Suhwon which existed long ago in Korea; where there was no you and me, no boundaries between countries, no crime, and not even death. I came to rebuild the paradise on earth, a society of immortals.”

. . .

The third eye

Long ago when we were all enlightened, we all had a third eye in between our eyes.  At that time, we were all one with the universe.  There was no jealousy, hatred, greed, or suffering.  People lived in peace.  There was no separation of you and me.  I became you and you became me.  People lived being in love.  At that time, we had another eye in between our regular eyes.  If we were to look through that eye, we could see many things while our eyes were closed.  We were not bound by space and time.  That eye was a line to enlightenment that linked our brain and our heart with the universe.  Even though we did not attend school, we became one with the energy of the mother universe through our third eye.  We lived in peace and harmony.  At that time our hearts were in the right place. 

I have lived a long time in darkness in this world with my third eye closed.  I had to waste much of my time in this world due to misunderstandings of people who could not comprehend the teachings of the enlightened people of the past. Dividing right and wrong, people wasted the precious-little time given to them.  I wanted to love, and I have lived thinking that I have loved for a long time.  However, with the misunderstandings taught to us along the line of right and wrong, I could not love truly.  I also lived being brainwashed by the society, religion and distorted knowledge.  I also lived with the pain and sufferings of everyday life.   

After my father passed away, my third eye slowly started to open again.  I could see that this world was like a sand castle, an empty image ready to be taken down at any time.  It was merely a dream that could be washed away even under the slightest wave or wind.  Now that my eyes were open, I could see that everything in this world was upside-down. Wealth, power, knowledge, love, they were all only dreams that could disappear at any moment.  

All religions that were supposed to be teaching the minds of the enlightened ones were distorting their teachings.  They were dividing us, they were teaching hatred and vengeance.  The saints weep in heaven because of the murders, fights and wars that have been waged under their names and teachings.

When I was able to throw away the measure of right and wrong that I held in my heart since childhood, my third eye started to open.  I was able to see my previous, present and future lives.  In sadness, in happiness, in times of crisis, I was able to be reborn as an enlightened person filled with peace and harmony.  I realized that all of the answers of the world do not exist outside of us.  It was inside me.

Responsiblility of the blessed one

In 1998 my third eye started to open, and I started to write this book. The blessing of my small awakening changed my daily life into paradise on earth filled with love, gratitude and peace.  I realized all things on earth are false illusions built inside a glass castle. I was faced with difficulties; yet I endured, I could be happy.  Faced with sadness my eyes filled with tears; yet I could laugh again. Faced with hardships, I gained the wisdom and love to be thankful for them and embrace them.

By abandoning false knowledge and preconceptions, I was able to open my eyes and see the truth. I realized this blessing was not mine alone, but that I had a mission to share my knowledge with the people around me. I could not live in peace alone, I felt the responsibility to let my brothers and sisters who still live with the pain of falsehood know the real truth.  We cannot change our reality and our world; however, by changing the mind and the way we think, we can slowly build a better world. 

(This is not true dear. All changes including changes inside the human mind do not come slowly, they all come suddenly, just like the uprising in Egypt.  Even when a baby grows, the baby does not grow steadily and slowly, the baby grows in sudden bursts, suddenly walks, suddenly talks.  All changes come suddenly in the way of “Gaebyuk” including your own awakening.)

I cannot live in abundance by myself.  I cannot be happy alone.  I cannot be well-off alone.  When we live for ourselves alone and step on others, we walk down the path of destruction. We have lived lives of material wealth. For the benefit of ourselves, we have destroyed nature.  We no longer think of others. We think we win against others under the pretense of competition; yet, the poison has spread amongst us and we are suffering in the agony of pain. We live in the sad reality of not even being able to breathe freely or drink a drop of water without worrying about poisoning ourselves with chemicals. Without thinking about others, in order to gain power and wealth, to win a competition, we live the tired and stressful life in our self-made warzone.    

In order to improve our lives we need to realize that we are all one, with one soul, within one boundary.  For the benefit and happiness of all, loving each other and living together in harmony is the only way we can all live together. We need to understand and follow the founding principle of the Korean people: benefit humanity; helping and benefiting each other wherever and whenever we can. Be open to the world of harmony; giving of ourselves for the sake of the peace and happiness of the world.  In order to make such a world possible, we can no longer live as you and I. Feeling the need that we must dedicate ourselves as “we,” and create the necessary conditions for us to live together as “we,” I write this letter of love today.

 

Chapter 2

The twelve branches of the nation of Shinsuhn

Immortals at the time of the Shinsun nation lived seven to eight hundred years. Depending on their spirituality, some lived longer and some lived on forever. In this beautiful nation of Shinsun, where all lived together as one, a great chaos occurred causing great sadness. Around ten thousand years ago when the earth was shedding the birth energy of the Cosmic Spring and opening up to the growth energy of the Cosmic Summer, all the ice covering Asia and Europe melted causing a great flood upon the plains. This is the sad story that occurred after the water receded and the plains started to open up for the cultivation of the land, plants and animals.

Having learned how to cultivate the land, people started farming. And in order to fulfill their personal greed, people started to enslave each other. Having tasted the power of wealth and greed, people started to fight amongst themselves in order to accumulate more wealth.

Because humanity did not know how to control the water, they required a great deal of labor in order to farm, and they needed to enslave more people. To fulfill this need for more labor, wars were waged under the name of Yahweh and different gods. Some people from the nation of Shinsun were engaged in this war as well.

Eventually, the chiefs of the nation of Shinsun came together and decided that it was time for them to go down the Tienshan Mountain, where the nation of Shinsun was located, and lead the lost humanity in the ways of Shinsun. They decided the time had come for them to teach humanity in the ways of immortality, the ways of Shinsun, and the ways of spirit. In order to lead, teach and enlighten humanity from the ills of greed, war and conflicts, in the end, the people of Shinsun were divided into twelve tribes and sent in twelve directions.

Among them, the tribe formed by the eldest son of the highest chief came to the Baekdu Mountain of Korea and founded the nation of Baedal. And this tribe headed west of the Tienshan Mountain toward Mesopotamia and founded Sumer. They founded the original nations that worshipped heaven, earth and the spirits.

The energy of the universe changed to one of ever-increasing conflicts, and the descendants of the nation of Shinsun founded new civilizations to lead humanity out of the conflicts into the path of harmony and peace. Yet, people were filled with greed and instead of working in mutual harmony and cooperation, increasingly they competed in conflict. The history of conflicts began. The separation of you and I became clear and the boundary between yours and mine was erected.

People learned the power of greed and property, and were lead down the path of spiritual corruption. People left the nation of Shinsun not only as part of the envoys of the twelve tribes, but also to stake out their own claim of wealth. They left behind the nation of Shinsun, where there was no concept of private ownership. People left the nation of Shinsun to stake their own claim on personal wealth and power. Just like during the gold rush of the United States, when people went west to stake out their claim of gold, in the same way, people left the nation of Shinsun in order to satiate their own desire for wealth and greed.

According to the ancient history of Korea at this time, the immortals from the nation of Shinsun in the Tienshan Mountains sent twelve tribes in twelve different directions in order to enlighten the people who were turning selfish and materialistic. The original nation that existed at the Tienshan Mountain was Hwanguk or Hanguk (Korea). Among them, the tribe that went west founded Sumer; and the high-chief immortal came east and founded the nation of Baedal. Also, in order to build the future heaven on earth, other tribes were sent in other directions around the world: China, India, Manchuria, Turkey, Israel, Pakistan, Finland, Iceland, and America.

Wishing to see her, Goddess Mahgo

The people left the nation of Shinsun. They left their homeland behind, to stake out their own wealth and power, or to save the people that were suffering in the puddle of greed and selfishness and to prepare for the coming heaven on Earth. One person, two people, one tribe, two tribes, she had to witness all those who were leaving their homeland of Shin Suhn, the enlightened society of Mahgo Suhwon. Her heart that bore witness to this mass exodus was torn in great pain.

Goddess Mahgo was the ruler of the nation of Shinsun. She was not a ruler in the sense of a queen. She was a compassionate goddess of love. She embodied motherly love, and prayed for the happiness and peace of humanity. Bearing witness to the departure of all those loving children of hers, the tears of a mother wept many thousands of years making rivers and oceans.

Brothers blamed, fought, and killed each other, and a long ten thousand years has passed. We think we are winning, we think we are piercing our sword upon our enemy. Instead, we have been slashing our own hearts over and over… From the eyes of Goddess Mahgo, even to this day, the warm tears of sorrow flow down to fill the oceans, and her grief covers the continents in mist.

However, the nation of Shinsun never completely dissolved. Many immortals of Korea, such as Goddess Mahgo, to this day are toiling in heaven, striving to rebuild paradise on earth—the nation of Shinsun. My father was one among them, coming back to me repeatedly from many constellations away, to let me know where he was, and to reawaken me to the task at hand before I return to the nation of Shinsun.

Voices of the ancestors

Many eyes that I see when I close my eyes
and faces
for many thousands and thousands of years that they have lived on earth.
My ancestors who are watching me
Faces and voices of all the saints
Mahgo
no more
not any more.

You truly should not forget
The longing for the nation of Shinsun.

 

My brain explodes

During my conversations with Lady Mahgo, a great explosion like an atomic bomb occurred in my brain. Like fire crackers that explode in the night sky on Independence Day, my brain kept exploding. Just like splitting atoms, it exploded over and over and over. Like an endless show of exploding fire crackers, trumpeting and celebrating, my brain exploded out into the universe in waves.

At that moment, I did not exist anymore. I was no longer Mahgo Suh, I was no longer the beloved daughter of my parents. I was no longer a Korean woman with long black hair dancing under the moonlight on a yacht in the Hudson River. I was no longer that woman wearing a wide-brim hat sitting under a café canopy in Little Italy happily eating raw oysters and clams. I was no longer that pitiful woman lying on a cold wooden floor moaning with the grief of losing her father. Into the world of the void, where there is no longer sadness, loneliness, or even love, into this world of eternity I was traveling. No longer as a Korean-American woman, but as a light, the bright light of a goddess, I embarked on a journey into the universe.

There was no longer the separation of death and life. There was no longer the happiness of love or the sadness of parting. There was no longer the grief of pain and suffering. The true self simply stood next to me and looked into a glorious sight. It was not a sight of death, and it was not a sight of a horrid blood stains on my head. It was a beautifully blessed moment when a woman’s soul was blossoming into a goddess. My soul was not hurt at the moment of fierce and horrible explosions. As a beautiful goddess, with long hair flying, turning round and round, I was traveling out into the universe.

Remembering my past lives

When my brain exploded, I thought it was the last moment of my life. I could not believe that I was still alive. Watching the different colors of light that scattered to the ends of the universe, I became one with the universe and was flying into an unknown space somewhere into a black hole.

I am not sure how much time had passed. While being out of my own body, I watched myself change into a goddess. Then, suddenly the front of my forehead started to become bright. “Oh! Am I still alive?” Stroking the front of my own head, which I thought disappeared after it exploded like fire crackers, I had to confirm to myself that I was still alive. Even though my head had exploded, I was still alive. Not only was I alive, but after this enormous explosion of the brain that went beyond the boundary of life and death, I was reborn as a normal human being who knew the purpose of life without being told or taught.

As the brain cells divided, each cell of my brain popped and exploded. Sleeping cells in my brain came alive. At that moment, I began to remember my previous lives; I began to remember the memories from before I was born. Yes indeed, I was on Earth before. And I was born this time on Earth with a mission to build an enlightened society of Mahgo Suhwon.

Promise

There was a promise I made before I was born.
That I would not walk alone, but I would walk together.
I knew there was a paradise in which I could dwell.
I knew I did not have to be sad again.
I knew I did not have to be lonely again.
However, I could not cross that bridge alone,
leaving people behind.
That was the reason I came again.
Yet, I had forgotten that promise for a long time.
After having walked alone for many years,
After sending away all of my loved ones,
I finally began to remember.
Now I have come to realize,
I will no longer walk alone on this path of mine.
I will walk together with you.

 

Chapter 3

The forgotten promise

I had forgotten it all for a long time. With the good fortune of having been born into a wealthy and distinguished family, who loved and nurtured me in the best possible way of raising a child, I lived happily. Living inside the glass castle my parents had built for me, I enjoyed the love of my family and the life of the privileged. I had forgotten my promise.

In order to make me a whole person, who was intelligent and, at the same time, ready for a social life, my father hired seven private tutors to teach me music, dance, calculus, Eastern philosophy, swimming, tennis, and history. My father believed that one day I would marry a prince and become a queen, and he was getting me ready. It was not easy studying all those subjects. Without having time to play with friends, as my father would say, I was given a Spartan education. Yet, since I took pleasure in learning, it was not such a difficult task to work all the time.

It might be considered a strange thing, but my parents never mentioned that I had to make a living or that I had to have a good job. They taught me that with each moment, I must strive to do my best. It is better to be a whole person than a superior person. And when I become an adult, I must be mindful of what I think and be careful not to make unpleasant facial expressions, so I would not make others feel uncomfortable around me. Also, I must make myself and my surroundings clean and beautiful. I should be a beneficial person; I should be a person who thinks of others’ needs.

Cared for by a nanny, a driver, and a house maid, my profession was being the princess of the glass castle. I would receive massages so I could play the piano better. I selected my designer clothes for evening parties. Because of his busy schedule, my father had to install an intercom inside the bathroom. Yet in the evening, he would come to my music room filled with insruments—guitar, piano, organ, drum, clarinet—and fall asleep while listening to me play. Even with his busy schedule, he would make time to check my homework and would spend the weekend with the family at the country club swimming, horseback riding, water skiing, and playing golf. Yet in my memory, he was always a well dressed gentleman with a worldly manner, full of compassion for others.

My father enjoyed gourmet food and often travelled far just for a particular delicacy. At our hotel room, with my mother and I laid down on the bed, even though he himself would be tired from the trip, he would massage each of us. At that time I did not realize it, but my father must have loved my mother and me dearly. I think the reason that even now I cannot forget him is because of such love and humanity he instilled in my heart.

Growing up with my father, who had wealth and knowledge, and my mother, who was beautiful and graceful and was often referred to as the Jackie of Korea, I had a childhood of which anyone would be envious. When my mother, who was especially beautiful and fashionable, visited my school, all the students would rush to the window to take a look at her. I remember being proud of my mother, who had more charisma than a rock star.

When I was four, I was known as a prodigy. My mother taught me the Korean and English alphabets and even taught me how to play a guitar. I enjoyed reading books and started to write poems and essays at an early age. I also wrote songs and composed music. Because of my mother’s teaching, others were surprised and amazed at my skills. My mother could sing high soprano, dance French ballet, and was an excellent painter. She was highly intuitive and sensitive. She would hold a crayon in my small hand by holding her hand over mine and draw with me. While learning to walk, if I walked with my feet in side steps, she would be thoughtful enough to remind me to walk straight.

Worried that my tender rear might get cold and damp, I have heard that my mother would change my cloth diapers at least twelve times every night. These days I am full of remorse, afraid that I might not be able to repay their love and affection. The only thing I can do these days for my father, mother and brother is light incense and pray for their well being in their after-life.

Living a privileged life in the midst of a happy and loving family, I often felt I was monopolizing the love and blessings. I felt apologetic to those around me. Whenever I felt this way, then, with a grateful mind, I humbled myself by practicing bows. Seeing those around me who were less fortunate than me, feeling like I had received too much, I have always tried to treat everyone with respect and love. Yet, it seems I still have not matured, I feel like as I age, there are more things for which to apologize. I lived happily without a care in the world, receiving genuine love and affection from my parents. I was living a happy life, having completely forgotten the promise I had made before I was born, that I would dedicate my life to the building of the happy world of Shin Suhn.

The world of the immortals and my teachers, Lady Mahgo and my father

If I am asked to pick a teacher, it has to be my father to whom I owe my life on earth, and the Lady Mahgo who was the matriarch of the world of the immortals.  It was a place where law and education were not necessary. People were one with nature. And instead of placing one’s own interests ahead of others, theses immortals lived for others in peace.

Instead of thinking of you and I as separate, it was a world where people lived to better others.  It was a world of benefiting the people.  In this world of my homeland, there was no pain of separation, nor the pain of death.  People did not have to learn different languages like we do.  Without opening the mouth, people could communicate and understand each other telepathetically.  It was not a world of competition; it was a world of paradise on earth where the world was one, where there was no yours and mine.

People there did not have to go to school nor did they have to learn.  The immortals who were in harmony with heaven and earth had the ability to understand and to know without learning.  Everyone was a pure creation who could live according to the way of the spirits.  

In the winter of 1998 when my father passed away, Lady Mahgo came into my life, saying she had travelled ten thousand years as she folded her two wings.  Meeting Lady Mahgo, who was the matriarch of the world of immortals, mother of our people, and meeting my father in person, who travelled the universe from a far-away star as a light after death, changed my life forever.  She stated that she came to accomplish the task she had left behind long ago. She came to the earth having travelled against time and space, over ten thousand years to see me.

She was not a ruler like a queen, she was like a motherly figure for the people.  With love and devotion, she guarded and took care of the matriarchy of the world of immortals.  So as my father who came from the Pleiades after his death to show me the way of the truth of life and death.  And Lady Mahgo, the mother of our people, came across the time and space of ten thousand years. I am so greatful to have them both as my teachers. It is truly an honor to have them both as my guiding lights.  

My wishes

I see them when I close my eyes
I hear them when I close my eyes
Many spirits
Goddess Mahgo, Hwanin, Hwanwoong, Dangoon,
Buddha, Jesus, and my ancestors’ wishes
The breath of those that run in my veins
And their whispers
No more,
Truly not any more.

 

Meeting the true self

I became one with Lady Mahgo, During my conversations with her, my brain cells came alive, and a meeting with my true self took place. Thus I realized I had come from the world of the immortals in my previous lives. I came to know that my mission was to unite the immortals, who had been sent to places around the world and to build a true paradise on earth, the world of immortals.  I found my true self.  What was the meaning of life, death, and love?  I started to ask questions about my own standards of right and wrong. I started to doubt all the knowledge and religious teachings I had learned from society and school. I came to realize all those teachings were upside down, twisted, and false.  As if I were untangling a pile of thread, all conflicts came to be resolved, and answers to all my questions came like a clear sky.

“Nothingness” (moo) and “not that is” (bi) became the basis of the organic lifestyle and healing society of Mahgo in 2000.  And in June 2010, in order to call upon the immortals of the future, the meeting of Suhn Tea Meditation, Moobisa was established.

The way to an eternal life

After losing my father on 1998, I start the work of receiving my death through meditation. In order to keep the promise of living for the work of building a happy world, from 1998 to 2003, for five years I restricted outside contact, living only in my house, writing and drawing the things I had seen and heard. I meditated.

I know that very few people can understand what I have to say. Each person must strive to resolve their own issues of the past. That is the law of the universe. Even the saints cannot dissolve the karma of each individual person. The only thing I can do is show those who are truly ready to be awakened that there is a world that is bigger than the world we can see, hear and feel. This world that we are living in is only the tip of the iceberg.

I prayed: Please let this book be a seed that will spread throughout the universe. Please free those who are suffering from the weight of wrong education and the pain of being brainwashed by wrong religions. Please free those I love from the mental slavery. Please grant awakening to those who are suffering from sorrow so they can live happily, like the spiritual people that they were created to be.

This book was originally written in 1998 and was ready for publication. However, because what I had experienced was not normal, I needed a long time to digest it. And because I was in mourning, instead of traditional mourning period of three years, I ended up spending five years. During those years I carried on my conversations with the goddess Mahgo. I witnessed the ascension of my father. I met my father who came to visit me from the stars. And, I met a dragon. Through these experiences, I was reborn as a spiritual person.

I came to know the reason for being born a Korean woman. I realized that Korean history has been distorted and lost. I understood the secret of previous lives. I remembered the promises I had made to my ancestors and their wishes. Throughout all of this, I started to awaken to my purpose, and my third eye began to open slowly.

My brother David

My brother enjoyed playing with his friends. When he had to study, he would make his tutors wait and often disappeared, disappointing my parents. After growing up, I came to feel sorry that I had monopolized my father’s love.

My father, who had great love and expectations for my brother, and my brother who was free-spirited, were like fire and water that could not be united. My father, who had everything, could not have his only son and was greatly disappointed. My brother’s actions gave my father disappointment and pain. To my brother, who was a free spirit and enjoyed playing and had no interest in studies, accepting his father’s expectations was a mountain that he could not climb.

My brother was six feet three, handsome with the body of Mr. Universe. He was healthy and had a sense of style like my mother, yet at sixteen he left home. I did not see him for a long time. I saw him only when he came back home, when my father was sick with cancer. I do not know how he knew, but he came home. And with his healthy body he carried my father on his back and took him to hospital every day. Quitting his job, till the moment my father passed away, he took care of my father tenderly.

As if my father was his last hope and his lifeline, even though he was tired from taking care of him day and night, dozing off form tireness, he gave my father his shots and massaged him. My brother guarded father’s life the best way he knew, while father’s life was ebbing like a dying candle light. My father healed his own cancer following a strict dietary regimen. Yet, after being healed of his cancer he went back to his customary diet of meat, bacon and sausage. After his cancer came back, no amount of dieting and exercises could help him.

After years of pain, it was a moment when I could finally see the heart-felt affection between father and son. Declaring he would consider himself sonless, my father cut off his only son whom he loved dearly. Even though he loved and respected his father, my brother had to suffer through the conflict of not being able to live up to his father’s expectations. And my mother had to live in the sad anguish of losing a son whom she believed in and loved truly. In the midst of this sad irony, I was the one who came to monopolize the love and expectations of my parents as a son and as a daughter.

Spending his childhood bestowed with great love and blessings, and being raised with greater expectations, he left causing pain and heartache to those who loved him. I am sure he had lived with his own heartaches somewhere. I do not really know how he lived, or what he did. I know only through rumors that he had lived in California, he had a woman that he loved, and he had joined the army. Maybe he did this because my father emphasized the virtue of military life, on helping a boy learn about discipline, and building the strength to overcome the hardships of life. That is all I knew about him.

The mark on the calendar

My father had a depth of knowledge on Western and Eastern philosophy. It seems he knew what was to come in the future. Yet, he could not chase away his only son whom he loved dearly and who came to see his last moments on earth. I am sure my father’s mind was uneasy about taking his troubled son back, yet watching his son take care of him in his time of suffering with cancer, he could only take him back.

After taking back his son, I heard that he told those around him with a long sigh, “There is nothing I can do about him after I am gone.” It pained him to think about what would happen to his son after he was gone. Thinking about what my father used to tell me about David that he could do almost anything, yet there was nothing he could do for him, which often makes me to think about how difficult human relationships are and the pain of karma.

After father had passed away I visited his house in Seoul. I found that in his calendar on the day he had passed away he had marked it with three x marks. He used to mark his calendar with up to three x marks and three o marks. Coming good days he would mark with an ‘o’ and coming bad days with an ‘x’ . I realized he had already known which day he would pass away.

Just as my ancestors, the immortals, could foretell their own life and death and prepared for the event as if they were playing chess, my father knew of his impending death. At that time my Korean was limited at best and I could not comprehend most of the written characters. Yet, I could clearly see that my father was a great man, and I realized he was a great teacher who taught by doing, rather than with words. He taught me how to be a person, the proper way to live.

The importance of ancestor memorial rites

Because my father came back from the afterlife and gave me such a wonderful teaching, I came to realize that we cannot exist without our parents and our ancestors. There are many things that cannot be accomplished on the spiritual level, and there are many things that can only be accomplished when other people are involved. I came to realize the importance of maintaining a proper relationship with my ancestors and the importance of memorial rites. Under the name of Christianity, our traditional wisdom of ancestor memorial rites has been tossed out like an old pair of shoes. I came to think more about the wisdom of our ancestors and felt my heart yearning for our traditions. I was determined to carry out the tradition of lighting incense, bowing, and praying for the blessings and well being of my ancestors and of all humanity.

After witnessing my father’s ascension to heaven, and even after death, coming back from the far-away stars, to teach me the ways of the spirit, I realized the never-ending yearning of the ancestors. I came to meet my true self and saw the importance of the ancestor memorial rites. I learned the true meaning of my life and was awakened to the way of a true human being and the proper path.

My prayer

Heavenly Father Sangjenim, Heavenly Mother Taemonim,
My father Suh Byungwook, my mother Park Jaesuk who gave birth to me,
Their parents on the paternal side,
my grandfather Suh Sangchun, and my grandmother Youn Bonghi.
Their parents on the maternal side,
my grandfather Park Inmook, and my grandmother Lee Kyunghee.
Their parents on the paternal side who are my great-grand parents and their family.
Their parents on the maternal side who are my great-grand parents and their family.
And their ancestors and their family.
Jesus, Buddha and all other saints,
Goddess Mahgo,
David, Maggie, Eric, Ann, and my aunt’s family members,
And all those who were present
and who are present
and who will be present.
I pray,

Please allow me the wisdom
to save myself,
my family,my neighbors.
Allow me the insight to lead my ancestors
to their proper place in heaven.


Feb 1998

 

Chapter 4

The ascension of father and forty-nine days prayer

It had been a month since father passed away. On a February afternoon, I was sitting, listlessly drowning in the sorrow of losing my father. Suddenly, bamboo trees surrounded me in a circle and they grew to the height of heaven itself.

At one moment I was inside the circle of the bamboo trees, and the next moment I found myself standing outside the circle. Inside the circle, I found my father riding a roundish small one-person airplane that looked like a dragon fly.

There was not enough space for a plane to take off, there was just enough space for his plane, which started to take off vertically into space.

I was watching anxiously as father attempted his flight inside the circle of bamboo trees. There was not enough space for a plane to take off. It needed a miracle for him to attempt such a flight. No one told me that father must succeed in this flight, yet I knew my father must ascend.

Because it was a difficult place for a plane to take off, I was starting to get concerned. For a moment, a silence enveloped the world. Then father, who was sitting inside the plane quietly, started to take off vertically making a whishing sound.

I was watching him rise vertically, fretting about whether he would be able to rise out of the circle of bamboo trees. I do not know if he knew I was watching, even so his plane steadily took off vertically. The bamboo trees were tall, piercing the heavens.

The bamboo trees were tall piercing the heavens. At that moment, watching him in his struggle to rise to heaven, the only thing I could do for my loving father was pray for him: “Father whom I love dearly, please ascend to heaven. And please live in eternal peace and harmony. No more parting tears, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more labor, no more sadness, no war, no death, no difficulties, in such a place as the immortals living on the morning dew, please live in that place eternally.”

It seemed the world had stopped spinning. In such a state, many hours passed. Suddenly the plane flew over the bamboo trees and, with a booming sound, it flew into the clouds of the vast universe. Father accomplished this flight that looked impossible. He showed me the kind of ascension that I had only heard about. At that moment warm tears fell down my cheeks. Congratulations for his ascencion, the one for whom I was always proud and had respect.

After collecting my thoughts, I called my mother in Korea. Because of the time difference between Korea and New York, my mother should have been asleep. Yet she was awake. Even before I could tell her my story, in an exited voice she said, “Mahgo! Just now a flying saucer carrying your father lifted off from his library.”

Father used to tell me that he was happiest when he was in his library. He loved books and truth [knowledge]. He was fluent in five to six languages. He made one entire floor of his house into a library, and read books from around the world. Just like the stories in Korean folk tales, until his soul ascended to heaven, his spirit stayed with his loving wife in his beloved library for forty-nine days before he left for heaven.

His wife and daughter who loved him watched him ascend to heaven, together from the east and the west, overcoming distance and the time difference between Korea and America.

. . .

My father visits me from the seven-stars constellation

March 1998

Three months went by since my father had passed away. It was a March afternoon. My father visited me at my house. I had heard that the afterlife is far away, yet did he come from far away to comfort his daughter in mourning? I received him gladly. I asked him where he was now, but without saying a word, he gestured to me to follow him.

Leaving my body, my soul followed him, flying over the clouds. We flew for a long time. Then we went deep inside the ocean. Strangely, I was not afraid. It was as if it were normal, I was not out of breath and I did not sink deep into the ocean. I flew even in the depths of the ocean. Then we arrived at a cave deep inside the ocean. Surprisingly, the cave did not have any water.

Even though I was inside the ocean, it was like being on land. There was no water and I could breathe normally. Going deep into this magical cave, my father pointed at three large jars with covers that came up to the height of the chest of a person. It seemed he wanted to tell me something about the jars. Of course, having come from far away, I was certain he wanted to tell me something important. Yet I could not understand his intentions at the time. Later thinking about this incident, I thought it might that he wanted to show me the triune spirit, or the trinity of essence, chi, and spirit.

This time, father came out of the ocean and flew into a sky of shining stars. He led me into the vast universe. Just as he did inside the ocean, he pointed to a star and said, “I am at that star system.” I asked him, “What kind of place is it?” He said, “It is the Heavenly Father Star. Good people live there. One day you should come.” Having said this, without bidding farewell, he disappeared like the wind.

How much did I miss my father? I had wished I could see him even in my dreams, yet when I met him, acting like he did, I was genuinely sad. I thought just as at any other time, he would hold my hands tightly with his warm and thick hands. Later I came to realize that he acted this way because the walls between this life and the afterlife are high. My father flew all the way from the distant stars just for those few words. And, because the walls were too high, he had to leave in a hurry without being able to speak what was on his mind, and without even being able to hold the hands of his loving daughter.

In human history, how many fathers have actually crossed the boundary between life and death to visit their daughter? Thinking of how blessed and special I was that my father actually came to see me, how can I complain? Thinking of my father who came over those distances, how can I have even a slightest complaint in my mind? My time on earth would not be enough if I spent all of it thanking him. How can I waste my time on earth complaining?

The dragon’s visit

January 1998

In January 1998, after my father had passed away, a dragon that I had only heard about in old folk tales came to visit me at my house in New Jersey.  Flying between the dinner table and ceiling, in front of my chair in which I used to sit listlessly for days, the dragon simply stared at me without saying a word.  I sat and look at him withoug moving. We looked at each other like this for a long time.

Smallish, about 10 feet in length, it was not a dragon with wings like those depicted in the West. Without wings, it was floating in the air of my dining room, next to the window, remaining still.

In the sorrow of losing my father, without eating, I simply sat. There was no more feeling left in me. There was no curiosity, no fear. Without thought, I sat an everlasting time and simply looked at the dragon, who was floating in my dining room. I did not even have the energy to rise from my chair, spending days and nights sitting in the same chair, I forgot my daily life.  It did not occur to me that it was a strange thing to have a dragon in my house. I simply stared at it.  

We look at each other and listened together to my favorite sound: the sound of silence.  Without much thought, we were together.  That was our first meeting.  After a while it disappeared.  At that time, I did not imagine that dragons existed. I thought I had simply imagined it, that I saw some kind of an illusion because I was so weak. I forgot about the dragon.

In January of 2000, at Jeju Island, I met the dragon again.  My father had bought land on Jeju Island looking ahead 300 years in the town of Joongmoon, a hotel area, and the town of Weemiri.  I visited Jeju Island for a week to visit my brother and mother who were there to take care of the land.  During that visit, my bias about myths and old fairy tales was shattered.    

On the first night at the hotel, the dragon came to see me. Unlike our first meeting, the dragon alarmed me by speaking.  “I have been waiting for you for a long time. Why are you here so late?”  In order to complain about my lateness, it spoke, then it took me on its back and started to fly beyond time and space.  Riding on the back of the dragon and clasping its back between my thighs, I realized for the first time that dragons are real. It is not just a figment of the imagination from myths, but a real animal that only those who are ready can see. It was a moment in which I realized that all those stories about dragons from myths were real. Just as all those truths and realities were distorted by those who could not see, by all those who could not see dragons, so they became a mythic animal.     

For three days while I stayed at the hotel and it came to visit me every night. Taking me on its back, we flew beyond time and space. We went to the past, we went to the future. Without saying a word, we flew into the world of silence and stillness into the night. Nothing existed there.  Time, sound, happiness, sorrow, fear, pain, sadness, gladness, life, death, expectations, thought, love, hate—none of that existed.  Only into the silence and eternal nothingness, without thoughts and plans we flew.  Just like my known name, Moobi, there was nothing and it was nothing, and even then that was not even it.  Into that space, the dragon took me on its back and we flew for three nights.

On the fourth day I checked out from the hotel and toured Jeju island. As I was driving, I passed a rock on the sea coast called Dragon Rock.  It was a place with a legend of a dragon. Not far from land, it was a rock that was sticking out into the ocean.  Since I had been with the dragon for three nights, I thought it was indeed a strange event. Passing the rock, driving along, I passed an old Buddhist temple

Even though I was born into a Catholic family and had studied Christianity and Bible all my life, I had an appreciation for the Buddha and temples. Of course, on that day I could not pass by the temple without visiting it.  After lighting some incense at the shrine and bowing to the Buddha, I looked around the temple.  There, to my great surprise, I found a mural on a wall of myself riding a dragon and flying over the ocean. I looked at the picture over and over, yet it was me in that painting. Since others were waiting for me, I had to set aside such questions as, Why was the dragon waiting for me for such a long time? What was the legend of Dragon Rock?  What was the meaning of the mural?  What is the relationship between the dragon, the wall painting, and me?  And how are they related to my life?  Leaving such thoughts behind, I departed the temple.   

A conversation with the spirits at Youngshil

There were three places in Korea where I became one with heaven and earth. The first place was the Joongmoon hotel complex, where my father had bought land years ago to build hotels. It was a place where the blue ocean of Jeju island met the blue sky. It was a place where without any reason I became happy, with an open smile. The second place was at my father’s grave site. There I experienced becoming one with the universe. For the first time I realized there was a place where tears were not allowed, only happy laughter. At my father’s grave site, I could not cry. Swallowing swollen tears, I laughed. It was a magical place where the universe taught me that there was a place where only laughter was allowed.  And the third place was Youngshil.

When I arrived at Youngshil with my mother, a hansome guard at the gate stopped us from entering. Speaking in a Jeju dialect that I could barely understand, he blocked us from visiting the place. His reason was that shamans could not enter Youngshil.  I insisted that we were tourists from the United States.

I did not even know what kind of a person a shaman was, I was simply perplexed as to why the guard was looking at me strangely. We pleaded with him sincerely, and he finally gave us permission to climb the mountain and come back down within an hour. At the time, I thought it very strange. But, after seeing my previous lives later on, I came to realize I had been a shaman ten thousand years ago who connected heaven and earth. Strangely, the guard at the door of Youngshil recognized me from ten thousand years ago. He probably had been told by his superiors that shamans were not to enter the mountain, and he was following his orders. At Jeju island, not only were there people who recognized me from my previous lives, but even horses at the ranch recognized me and escorted me. It made me think a lot about my previous lives’ connections with people.

Youngshil was indeed a very magical place. A warm energy enveloped me and made me fall into a deep trance. I found the place where I had become one with heaven and earth. My hair stood up and my whole body was electrified, the heavenly pole was connected to me.  And my conversations with the spirits started.

. . .

My prayer at Youngshil and the way of heaven

Please allow us to have a happy world,
Where there is no sadness, death, separation, or hunger,
Hard labor, slavery, or war,
Grief, hatred, quarrels, or jealousy.
Please allow us to have a happy world.
Let us all overcome prejudice and ignorance,
And return to the way we were created.
Let us be free in the land of paradise.
And let us be one and live the spiritual life.
Heaven answered me.
It will be as you wish.
And your will shall be done.

 

Chapter 5

The Buddha’s enlightenment hermitage

[Originally in Korea, the enlightened ones were not called Buddha, they were called Dangun, or Dang-gol, which means moodang or shaman. Just as in the Middle East, the enlightened ones were called the Christ. Moodangs were the first spiritual rulers, the kings.]

Since we had promised the gate guard that we would be back within the hour, we hurried up the mountain, passing Youngshil, to reach the Buddha Enlightenment Hermitage. Before Shakyamuni Buddha in India, there were numerous Buddhas in Korea who had already attained enlightenment. Inside the small cave hermitage, these countless enlightened Buddhas were sculpted on the wall. It is known that an enlightened Buddha stayed in this cave before he left for India to spread Buddhism. Here we drank mountain water, prayed in the shrine and thought about the pronouncement from heaven that I heard at Youngshil. Afterwards, escorting my mother we headed towards Wemiri town on Jeju island where my father had purchased lands to build golf courses and retirement villages.

My father’s dream, Jeju Island

Thirty years ago, my father purchased hundreds of acres of land located in the southern part of Korea, at Joongmoon and the Weemiri village of Jeju island. He dreamed that one day it would be a place where the world could visit without the need of a visa. He wanted to build on this island a retirement village, a hotel, and a golf course where Koreans from the United States, Japan and around the world could come to retire. He thought this island paradise of no pollution and natural beauty would be the perfect place. He had the experience of transforming a motel in Jangchung town in the city of Seoul left by grandfather into a five-star hotel. He wanted to build a hotel in Joongmoon town, and a retirement village and a golf course in Weemiri on Jeju island. He had already finished making the construction plans and architectural drawings. However, my father’s older brother had turned over the hotel and other real estate to his own name before he passed away. Because of this, their relationship was severed and all future plans had to be abandoned.

Unfortunately, soon after his older brother passed away, my father, though younger, passed away as well. His dream had to come to an end. My father told me that he had enough wealth to live comfortably without the property that his older brother had taken way [stolen?]. He comforted me and himself by saying that he had forgiven his older brother. However, I am sure it was not easy to overcome the feeling of betrayal from the brother that he trusted so much.

Today, so many people are suffering from greed and meaninglessness. Under a false pretense of happiness, we measure our success by weath, power, love, and religion. We wander in the depth of suffering. It pains me to watch so many people who have forgotten about the right to happiness given to humanity by heaven.

I pray for a world where there is only love. I dream of the world of the immortals where conscience rules. When such a world comes, I pray that we learn that we are all one and become one with the universe. When such a world comes, I pray that we no longer need to hurt each other to fulfil our own greed. I pray just as our ancestors had said, “We are of one egg, inside one soul, inside one boundary,” we indeed become one and love one another.

. . .

Escorted by the horses at Weemiri

The town of Weemiri on Jeju Island, where my father had dreamed of a retirement village and a golf course, was a place where people were sparsely populated. His land was located where the mountains touched the blue sky of Jeju Island. We did not really know where the land was located, except that my father had given permission to the rancher next door that he could let his horses run free on his land as well. We were looking for the land, and suddenly two brown horses appeared in front of us.

The horses were not afraid. Standing in front of our car, the horses gestured to us to follow them. Escorting us, they walked steadily in front of us. After what seemed like a long time, the horses guided us to a simple gate. It was indeed to my father’s land that the horses led us.

We stroked the horses thanking them, “Thank you for leading us here. We got to our destination because of you two. Now please go back.” We climbed the mountain of my father. The island of Jeju is famous for its wind, stones, and women. I was truly inspired by the beauty of its land and sky. I thought to myself that I would one day plant tea trees and herbs on this beautiful mountain. Then we came down the mountain, only to find the horses waiting for us at the gate. Those two horses were waiting for us, standing quietly at the gate.

Just as they had taken us to the gate in the morning, standing in front of our car, the horses led us to the main road and then disappeared into the woods. Even though it had been many generations and many years, the horses recognized their old owners. In their DNA, they remembered Mahgo. At that time I thought to myself, “Even though people do not recognize me, yet the mountains and the horses recognize Mahgo.” Thinking of my past lives and relationships, I headed towards the city of Jeju. Just as I found out that dragons were real animals on the island of Jeju, I found out that horses were spiritual and keep their loyalty for generations to come.

A call that came in the spring

In the spring of 2005, I received a call from the police in Korea. I was to identify the body of my brother. I thought there was some kind of mistake. I got on a plane, only to face the corpse of my brother. The morgue that I entered for the first time in my life had nauseating and repulsive smell. From a long cabinet, his corpse was taken out. It was swollen. Because he had such a huge body, his two feet were sticking off the end. His thighs that had been conditioned by exercise were as thick as my waist. His hair was gone maybe because it had been burned. His face was swollen and his tongue was sticking out. It took me a little time to recognize him properly, yet his corpse was not burned and was in a clean state.

After a careful inspection of his body, I fully recognized that it was my brother. I fell on the floor on the spot. He was so young and such a good-looking man. Why was he in front of me in such ghastly shape? Why did he have to die like this? How painful must it have been to spray gasoline all over his body and light himself. Why did he have to go to the balcony of the hotel to commit suicide instead of inside the hotel room? When everyone else is trying their best to stay alive, what made him choose death? He had the ability to do anything he wanted in life. Why did he choose death?

The guilt of not being able to help my own brother in his time of need hit me like a tide. In such a situation, the only thing I could do was pray for his peace in the afterlife. I prostrated on the floor of the morgue that was overflowing with a vile scent, and bowed. My brother always dressed smartly. He was well built and with his fashion sense, he stood out as a stylish and handsome man. He favored designer brands, even for his underwear, and would spend two or three hours for dinner taking his time drinking a wine bottle or two. He had the body of a body-builder, and all those nearby would do a double-take in envy. Since he was such a free-spirited person, I was thinking how dreadful he must be, being locking in a freezer of a morgue. When I visited the police station, there was an unexpected surprise waiting for me.

After listening to the police tell me that he had committed suicide by spraying gasoline on his body and lighting himself, while staying at the W Hotel and playing a casino game called baccarat, I could not understand the reason for his death. I did not know anything about casino games and especially could not comprehend what kind of a game baccarat was. My parents did not play card games. My own interests were reading books, writing, playing guitar, piano, dancing, drawing, swimming, tae-kwan-do, gum-do, and skating. I had too many interests to be interested in gambling. I thought I would later go to the hotel and enquire more about this game called baccarat. But the fact that he had been involved in gambling made me convinced that he had not committed suicide. I concentrated my thoughts on why, at such a young age, he dad to die so suddenly.

In order to salve his remorseful soul, put under a false allegation of suicide, I wanted to find out the truth. Why did he have to go to the balcony to commit suicide? What drove him to the situation of spraying gasoline on his body and lighting himself on fire? He had been in the army. He knew easier ways to kill others and himself. Why did he select such a dreadful method? What drove him to gambling? Endless questions came to my mind. I simply could not comprehend his death. He had wealth, he was young, and he was capable. There was no reason for him to commit suicide. No matter how hard I thought about it, I could not find a reason for him to do it. Yet, he had killed himself in such a dreadful way according to the police. After careful consideration, the only thing I could do was request that the police reopen a criminal investigation. In my mind there was no reason for him to commit suicide, it was very possible that it could have been murder.

4.6 billion won ($4.5 million) disappears

In late summer of 2004, my mother, who was staying on Jeju island trying to tie up the loose ends of the family property, came to visit me in New Jersey. According to her, the land in Haildong town of the city of Seoul had been sold to the government for 4.6 billion won ($4.5 million). However, there were still people living and farming the land, and the Korean government was refusing to make the payments. For the last thirty years my father had allowed people to stay on the land and farm it without any rent, yet they were now refusing to leave.

Mother wanted to persuade them to leave by providing them with a livelihood at different places. It would take some time, so she wanted me to grant power of attorney to my brother. After the affair had been settled, she would divide the money and give me a share of the money. I knew there were properties that were a bequest from my father in the will. However after his passing, I really did not care about it. I was preoccupied only with the matter of life and death. I left the issue of the land at Haildong town to my mother and brother and spent my days in meditation.

Then all of a sudden my communications with my mother and brother stopped. I tried to contact them, yet I could not find any information about them. I was getting ready to go to Korea to look for them, it was the end of the year, when I received a call from my brother. According to him, my mother had passed away and the funeral had already been conducted. I could not even be at the funeral, because I had not been reached. I was deeply saddened. This was the second death since the passing of my father. And this notice was the farewell to my mother. My heart could not bear witness to the passings of my parents, and was being torn to pieces.

Visiting the W Hotel

Hoping to find something, I visited the W Hotel where my brother had passed away. In order to understand what had happened to him, I went to the casino and went inside the room where they played baccarat. The room was away from the floor of the casino. I was told that only VIPs played there, and there were no betting restrictions. Since I did not know anything about gambling, and especially this game called baccarat, it was such a foreign place to me. Yet, I truly wanted to know why he had to end his life at such an early age.

According to the police report, there was a will that had been written before his death; therefore, it concluded that he had committed suicide. However, I could not understand his death. I had not seen him since chlldhood. As such I had no idea about his thoughts and his lifestyle. Yet, I could not accept his suicide. He was the son my parents loved. I had not seen him for a long time, still, when I was a child, we held hands and walked together with our parents. We rode our tricycles together and played. I still remember his smile from childhood. He was the son my mother loved so dearly. How dreadful my mother would have felt if she had seen his corpse? All these thoughts passed through my brain. And perhaps in a way, I was thinking that maybe it was a blessing that she passed before his death.

I had to know what had happened. The police concluded that it was a suicide. However, an inkling of a suspicion that it might be homicide made me look for the hotel room where he had passed away. Hoping that I might even come across his soul and hear from him what had happened, I waited for him with my eyes closed. But he was nowhere to be found.

According to the police it was a suicide because there was an eyewitness account of a woman who was with him when it happened, and, because there was a suicide note. However, I knew my brother could not comprehend the notion of setting himself on fire, even if he had wanted to kill himself. It simply was not him. I wanted to meet the woman who was with him when he died. I was told that she had burns on herself as well. I asked what kind of a woman she was. I was told that she was the hostess of a local saloon. The policeman said she was not a ‘regular’ person, and it would be wise for me not to meet her. I wanted to meet her and ask about my brother, and also I wanted to console her about her burns. However, that did not happen due to the policeman’s request.

A witness comes to see me

While I was listening to the police report, one day, a hansome Korean-American man visited me at the police station. He introduced himself as a friend of my brother. They spent time at the casino gambling together. He told me that my brother did not commit suicide, but was murdered by gangsters from the Jeonla provinces. 

I did not know anything about gangsters, so I was genuinely surprised and scared. It obviously was not normal.  According to him, the casino assigned a woman to my brother to keep tabs on him. And when he wanted to rest, the casino would bring a plate filled with new chips. The casino charged him a high interest rate on the chips and made a lot of money off of him.  The casino even put drugs on his liquor to keep him awake so he could gamble day and night without sleep.

In the end, the casino threatened his life and made him sign a suicide note and a promissory note for his body parts after death.  The man said he had to do the same thing many times.  He had to sign a will as well as a promissory note for his body parts after death, too.  He said he was sure that my brother would probably have had to do the same thing.  He said he was afraid for his own life, and was returning to the United States. 

He said he came because he liked my brother, and he was genuinely sad and sorry for what took place.  He said there were gangsters were involved in the casino operations.  The gangsters would put drugs in the drinks to make the customers lose focus, and then by charging high interest, they would take everything from them.  He even gave me the name of the person who would have been in charge of the casino, who would have had my brother murdered.   

According to him, the woman who was with my brother at the time of his death and was the main witness in determining the cause of his death was also working for the gansters.  Taxi drivers, bar hostesses and gangsters are connected together in this scheme.  Yet, the hotel managers know the racket, and either ignored what was going on or were in on it.  I begged him to be a wintness.  However, he said he also was afraid and was returning back to the United States, and he left.     

The police and the gangster

I spoke to the policeman in charge of my brother’s case about what I had heard. I requested that the mentioned suspect be further investigated. The policeman insisted that it was nonsense to listen to a man whose identity could not be confirmed, and he refused to open investigation on him. I had to formally request an investigation of the suspect by handing in a signed, written request. A couple of days later, I visited the police station to find out what was happening with the investigation. In the yard of the police station I found crowd of young men standing around staring at me with vicious eyes. Inside the police station, I found the policeman laughing and joking with the suspect, which made me extremely nervous.

It was obvious they knew each other very well. It definitely was not an atmosphere of investigation. It was more like a social visit. I had seen the suspect at the W Hotel before, so I knew him. I was carefully watching the whole scene from behind the screen of the policeman’s cubicle. I waited until the laughter quieted down and went inside his office. The policeman introduced him to me.

The suspect, Mr. P., said that the office was too crowded and we should go out to the yard to talk. I realized I could no longer trust the police, and that I must be strong. I realized I should not be intimidated by these gansters, and that I should be resolute. In the yard, where his gang were crowding us, he smiled at me sarcastically. As if he knew something that I did not know, mockingly he looked down at me in a threatening way. He did not have to say a word. We could read each others minds. I kept my remarks short, and exchanged a couple of greetings. I realized I was fighting a war that I could not win. Regrettably, there was nothing I could do. I did not cry in front of him. As if nothing happened, as if I did not know anything, I exchanged polite conversation and left the police station quietly. On that day, I came to the realization that I could not depend on the police in charge of my brother’s case.

The autopsy

Since I could not understand my brother’s death, I requested an autopsy. I wanted to be at the scene of the autopsy and make sure everything went properly. However, the policeman persuaded me not to be there, and that I had to stay outside and wait for it to end.

According to the police, the results would be available in a month. Yet even a half year later, the results were not available. I could no longer wait for the results and went back to the United States. Much later the results became available, yet I could no longer trust the autopsy report given to me over the phone. It was not a written report by the reputable organization.

The funeral

I kept receiving threatening phone calls from anonymous people. I realized I had to change the schedule for my brother’s funeral. I did not realize why or how, but I could sense that someone was trying to harm me at the funeral. So I pleaded with the funeral home, and changed my brother’s funeral from the afternoon to the morning of the same day, as well as the cremation.

Looking at the corpse burning in the fire, I fell into deep thought. I remembered the picture of us in childhood embracing and smiling together. On a cold winter day, freezing our feet off, we skated together. At a carnival, we held a balloon together while eating the same cotton candy. In middle school, saying hardship is a great opportunity, our father sent us off on a backpacking trip together. For the first time in my life I traveled wearing a backpack with my brother. Playing piano, guitar, and drums, we sang together and performed together for our parents at night. In the fire, I could still see him walking, with long hair and jeans looking like an elegant model. All those memories were burning in the fire.

In tears, I was burying myself in the fire that was consuming my brother’s body. When he returned after staying away from home for a long time, I thought we could spend the rest of our lives together as brother and sister. Yet at such an early age, he deprted, leaving me alone. I could not believe it. I kept thinking, What went wrong?

The wealth left by my father was over a billion dollars. Therefore, on receiving his will, I thought I would live the rest of my life dedicated to uplifting myself, my family, my neighbors, and leading all of my ancestors to their rightful place in heaven. I would live for others, for the world and I prepared myself for this task for a long time. Yet, I could not even help my only brother and watched him burn to ashes. Where did it all go wrong?

Just like a jacket buttoned out of line, love and dreams of the people whom I cannot turn back the clock were tearing my heart away piece by piece, memory by memory. I lost my father, whom I respected like the sun in 1998. I lost my mother in 2004. Then, I lost my brother in 2005. Now I did not even have another person to share the memory of my parents together. I felt like my heart, body, arms and legs were being cut off. Love, memory, dreams, and even hatred towards those who drove my brother to death were burning in the fire.

I was going to travel together with him like the way we used to when we were young. In the evenings, I was going to drink wine and tea with him, and play guitar and sing together the way it used to be. I was going to spend the remaining days without our parents, together with him to make up for the lost time. Yet he already had left me, leaving me empty. I could not block out the sadness that engulfed me.

Even if the time apart were billions and billions of years, my love for him would not change. As long as he was alive, who cares about money? Why did he choose death? Staring at the last moment of my brother being comsumed in fire, the only thing I could do was to pray for his rightful place in heaven.

I am sure it was too much pain and suffering for you to bear alone. I am genuinely sorry that I could not be there for you while you were crumbling towards death. I am truly sorry my brother.

We all depart empty handed. Why do we fight, hate and waste our precious time? In our next life, let us live every moment with love filled with happy laughter. The love we could not share, let us love again in our next lives as brother and sister for thousands and thousands of years.

Hoping that my brother’s life would not be in vain, I wanted to write about what happened to him and let the world know of the danger and corruption of gambling. I am very happy that now, five years later, I can finally convey this message in writing. While writing this book, I had to recall all those memories that I had tried very hard to forget. Every cell and blood vessel in my body trembled in pain and sorrow. With the warm tears flowing from my eyes, I shall engulf the earth and melt the sins of greed and ignorance.

They are sad and dreadful memories that I wish not to remember. However, wishing that no one in the future lose his life in such a tragedy, I write this. Dear heaven, please forgive our ignorance. Take pity on us, and let us awaken and live forever in happiness as immortals. Good bye David! Love you forever—

. . .

Two urns from Korea

With only an address, I had to go to find my mother’s apartment which she had rented to take care of the properties on Jeju island. I had never visited them before. When I arrived at the apartment, the whole place was ransacked as if someone had gone through it. The apartment was flooded with water and mother’s Rolex watches, jewelry and clothing were already gone. I gave away to the neighbors whatever else remained, her golf clubs, furniture and everything else…

At the apartment there was an urn containing mother’s ashes and her death certificate. Because I was being chased by unknown people, I packed only the important documents in a box and shipped them to the United States. Clutching the two urns containing the ashes of my mother and my brother, running away from the gangsters, I boarded a plane to New York. Like a scene in a movie, with a pounding heart, escaping the grip of gangsters at each turn, I left my country. In Korea there no longer was a policeman who could protect me.

My house had been left empty for a long time, and had turned into a wreck. I did not know who they were and I did not know why they were preventing me from taking the remains of my family; however, I could not let them take away the ashes of my mother and brother. I was only thinking about running away to a safe place. I could scatter their ashes on the mountains and rivers of Korea; yet, at this point when I had lost my family and property to gangsters, I could not also lose their ashes to them. It was shameful even to think of such an outcome. To lose their ashes to the gangsters was as if I was giving up my last rights. To give up my rights to take care of the remains of my family was like death.

When I arrived at my empty house in New Jersey, the grass had not been mowed and it reached to my chest. Koi fish the size of my arms living in my pond had all died and were floating upside down. Even my computer had died. My gardener, Dan, who was only in his forty’s had gone into a coma and had been hospitalized for the past six months. Everything around me had turned into a sea of death.

I could not leave my mother at a funeral parlor. I knew death was not the end. I knew of the afterlife. As a person who was reborn in this world from the afterlife, I could not leave my mother’s remains in a strange place. I had to keep her in my bosom and conduct a ritual to return her safely to heaven. Finally arriving home, I felt relieved, and I fainted.

Coming back to consciousness, I was going out of my mind with sorrow. Before, I had only been thinking about keeping the ashes safe from the gangsters. I had no time to be sad. When I arrived home safely, the grief and sorrow overwhelmed me. The sadness and longing for my family, the grief and anguish of losing loved ones and their property overpowered me, over and over like waves.

Mahgo’s vow

I had to come to my senses. To awaken from my sadness, wearing boxing gloves I punched a sandbag. I had to live. And I had to conduct rituals for my father, mother, David, and my ancestors. For my father, who had believed till the last moment that he could be brought back to life if I was near him, and for all the ancestors of Korea, I had to enter the gate of awakening. I had to take them all with me.

To thank the universe, which granted me awakening, to awaken the multitude suffering from deception and false teachings, I had to let people know the truth. I had to tell people about life and death, and bring about true peace for them. I made a vow to save the poor souls drifting in the nine heavens holding grudges, to resolve their grief and return to the afterlife.

. . .

Truth

I am law and truth
I am it and you are it
And when I know that I am it
I will know the truth.

People are that.
The sun is that.
Flying freely in the sky, birds are that.
The clouds floating in the blue sky are that.
The pine trees standing in the lotus pond garden are that.
Homeless people standing on the streets are that.
The worms crawling in the ground are that.
The foul excrement is that.
All things in the universe are that.

We come according to our life relations
There is nothing that is eternal
Yet we divide and distinguish you from me
And suffer in pain.

Pain is that
Suffering is that
Happiness is that
Hate is that
All happiness, gladness, joy, and pleasure are in me
All reasons and relations I wish for.

Truth fills the universe
Yet in blindness we stumble
My love!
Let go of all pain and sorrow
And be free
Let us break the chain of obsession and greed
And be enlightened
The great gift given to us by heaven
Filled with great peace and happiness
Let us be forever living immortals.

No death, no pain
No separation, no sadness
In this paradise of immortality
I will live with you
Like the flower floating in the winds
Whisking in the winds
Dancing
Forever and ever
I will live as such.